Flight attendant Amanda Killam was traveling from Dallas to Denver on the last leg of a busy work week, when the call came through.
It was her partner, Rob. A stroke in his early 20s and two kidney transplants had left him struggling with his physical and mental health. At 42, he had reached a decision. He was going to end his life.
"It was traumatic listening to him and devastating to realize I had no control over what was happening in that moment. That one phone call turned my entire world upside down," Killam said.
"Suicide loss is uniquely painful and life-changing,” said CU Anschutz therapist Mandy Doria, MS, LPC, an assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry. “It’s sudden, unexpected and often leaves survivors questioning what they missed or what they could have done,” Doria said.
“There’s confusion, shock, numbness and guilt. Traumatic grief can blur the line between grief and depression, which is why paying attention to both your mental and physical health is critical."
Rob was the classic “man’s man,” believing most feelings were best unexpressed, that virtue lay in powering through depression, and weakness could not be tolerated, Killam said. Despite severe health challenges, he embraced exercise as therapy. But that day, the unrelenting sadness and limitations of his condition became too much.
On the plane, with Rob on the line, Killam frantically called loved ones back in Denver, who called 911 for help. By the time she landed, he had already taken his life.
"It’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone," Killam said.
After Rob’s death, Killam began working with Doria, who specializes in traumatic loss and trauma.
Doria emphasized that there is no standard timeline for grief.
"Survivors shouldn’t expect life to return to ‘before’ but instead learn to adapt to life without their loved one," she said. Many survivors struggle quietly due to stigma.
"Suicide is stigmatized because people don’t know how to ask questions or hold space for someone’s story,” she said. “Silence only deepens isolation. Ninety percent of people who die by suicide show signs of mental illness. Suicide is a public health crisis, not a personal failure."
Killam hopes her story will challenge that stigma by sharing her experience.
Where to Get Help
If you or someone you love is struggling, contact:
- 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 to speak with trained counselors 24/7.
- Heartbeat: Offers peer support for suicide loss survivors.
- Strength in Struggle: (Amanda Killam’s foundation): promoting men’s mental health and community support through fitness and connection.
For decades, it was believed that each suicide deeply affected about six people. But a 2018 study showed the impact is far broader. Each death touches an average of 135 people who knew the individual.
"Sharing your story can empower others to share theirs. Vulnerability creates connection, and connection reduces shame," Doria said.
Initially, Killam was skeptical about therapy.
"I was very much like, ‘What’s the point of therapy?’"
But weekly sessions helped her process emotions instead of drowning in them.
"Your grief reflects the depth of your love,” she said. “Honoring your loved one while finding new meaning is how we carry them forward."
Killam learned to accept her emotions and the slow pace of grief.
"It’s OK not to be OK. You just take it day by day. I still cry every day, but the crying is not the same. Grief is a scar, and the healing is a lifelong journey," Killam said.
Grief has also been described as “just love with no place to go.”
Killam discovered the value of connection.
"Grief needs to be witnessed, and connection is essential. Tell your story when you’re ready and seek out people who can safely hold it with you,” she said. “Healing happens through community, not isolation."
Doria noted that coping strategies are essential.
"Basic hygiene, making small plans that help you look forward, spending time with friends, getting out in public. These tangible actions create opportunities for connection when everything else feels unfamiliar,” she said.
Months after Rob’s death, Killam found ways to honor his life. She created merchandise with empowering messages such as: “You Are Enough”; “You Matter”; and, “Checking In Is Better Than Checking Out.”
"If one person sees the message and feels less alone, then it’s worth it,” she said. “I don’t want anyone to sit in the dark the way he did."
Killam is building a website and plans to donate part of the proceeds to men’s mental health organizations.
"Remembering what they brought into your life and sharing that with others can be a source of healing and hope," Doria said.
Holidays and anniversaries can reopen grief.
"It’s normal. Honor your loved one in ways that bring you peace and give yourself permission to simplify by choosing one or two traditions you’d like to carry forward," Doria said. “Release the expectation that the holidays should be perfect, as they are just another day.”
Killam focuses on grounding herself, taking self-care days, leaning on friends and giving herself permission to feel whatever comes.
"I try to have something to look forward to even in the hard times," she said.
Doria emphasized the importance of ongoing support.
“Check in. Not just in the early days, but months and even years later when others have moved on,” she said. “Ongoing support matters, and even a simple text makes a difference. Don’t assume you might trigger them by sending a thoughtful message. Chances are if you are thinking about it, they are too and are probably feeling alone in their feelings. Ask if they want to share memories and stories. Talking about their loved one keeps that connection alive.”
Killam agreed.
"Don’t assume someone is OK just because they look OK. We become skilled actors,” Killam said. “You never know what someone is carrying."
Both women hope stories like Killam’s encourage greater openness.
“Experiencing the impacts of suicide is not a foreign concept, and so our stories shouldn’t be held in isolation either,” Doria said. “Every story is unique, and no two people grieve in the same way. Leaving space with nonjudgment for one another can help ease the burden and create meaningful new connections.”
Photo at top: Amanda Killam, left, holds a photo of her late partner, Rob, and is joined by CU Anschutz therapist Amanda Doria, MS, LPC.