‘Limerence’ vs. Crush: Why Your Obsession Might Be Something More Serious

Daydreaming about getting married after a first date is a sign of a budding emotional dependence. While the thoughts might be fanciful at first, if they become obsessive, a person is likely entering limerent territory.

The term “limerence” isn’t new, but a recent viral TikTok video brought it into the spotlight as a young woman talks about being prone to anxious attachments as she curls her hair. The social media clip resonated with many viewers who latched onto the vernacular to describe their overwhelming emotional experiences.

Coined in 1979 by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, limerence describes an intense, involuntary emotional fixation on someone perceived as a potential romantic partner and is often marked by obsessive thoughts, deep longing and a desperate need for reciprocation.

In the Q&A below, Laura Kelley, media relations professional at CU Anschutz, sits down with Stephanie Lehto, PsyD, assistant professor of psychiatry at the CU Anschutz School of Medicine, to explore this often misunderstood behavior, how it differs from a typical crush or parasocial attachment, and what to do if it starts to interfere with a person’s daily life.

How does limerence differ from a crush or parasocial interest?

Unlike a crush, which may be enjoyable and fade with time, limerence is often distressing and persistent. Parasocial relationships, like those with celebrities, are one-sided and may involve admiration or fantasy but usually lack the emotional volatility and urgency of limerence.

What are the signs someone might be going through this?

Common signs include constant intrusive thoughts about the person, emotional dependence on interactions with them and idealization. People may daydream, replay conversations, seek out contact or stalk their social media. Physical symptoms like changes in appetite, energy or sleep can also appear.

How can it be managed? Are there treatments?

The first step is awareness. Understanding what’s happening can reduce shame and confusion. Setting boundaries, limiting exposure and focusing on personal goals and relationships can help reduce intensity. Therapy, especially cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), can address thought patterns and behavior. Exposure and response prevention (ERP) can build tolerance to uncertainty and reduce compulsive urges. In exposure therapy, a person might write out a detailed imaginary scenario in which the worst-case outcome happens, such as being rejected or ignored by someone they care about. The goal is to allow themselves to fully experience and sit with the uncomfortable emotions this brings up, like rejection or indifference, without trying to avoid or fix them. As part of a response prevention plan, the person might notice the urge to contact that person for reassurance. Instead of acting on that urge, they could choose a healthier alternative like reaching out to a supportive friend in order to build emotional resilience and break the cycle of seeking reassurance.

Why do some people avoid the person they’re fixated on?

Avoidance can come from fear of rejection or from trying to manage emotional triggers. For some, distance helps prevent rumination or obsessive behaviors.

Can it be harmful to someone’s mental health or daily life?

Yes. Limerence can interfere with focus, work, school and relationships. Hours may be spent thinking about the person, leading to emotional exhaustion, neglect of responsibilities and feelings of isolation or anxiety.

What should friends or family look for?

Watch for someone constantly bringing up the same person, analyzing every interaction or seeking reassurance. Mood swings tied to communication with that person, social withdrawal and changes in sleep or appetite are also common signs.

Can it escalate into more serious behavior?

In some cases, yes. Repetitive checking, obsessive thinking or following someone online or in person can cross boundaries. Without intervention, this can become emotionally unhealthy for both the person experiencing it and the one receiving the attention.

How might the person on the receiving end feel?

They may feel flattered at first but often end up feeling uncomfortable or overwhelmed. They might feel pressure to reciprocate or guilt for not feeling the same way. The dynamic can strain or damage the relationship if boundaries aren’t respected.

Any final thoughts for those experiencing this or supporting someone who is?

If you're going through this, know you're not alone and it’s OK to feel confused or overwhelmed. Recognizing it is a powerful first step, and there are ways to manage it. For those supporting someone, listen without judgment and gently encourage healthy boundaries and coping strategies.