During PALC 6120, we are asked to create a reflective project that represents something meaningful during our master's degree and as we delve into our work and experience with those facing chronic serious illness, dying or death.
I have never considered myself eloquent with words due to my vocabulary and low context communication style (thank you master’s education!) However, I wanted to challenge myself and spread my wings a little so I chose to write a poem.
The first two verses are generalizable to all of my patients and represent the dichotomy of deaths I see with my elderly hospice patients and my young trauma patients as a trauma surgeon. The third verse is a patient asking me why am I here doing this work. It is a question I get quite frequently. You’re a trauma surgeon but wanting to do palliative care and hospice? I then reflect back on my patients who seem to be hanging on for something – someone, someone to leave, looking for peace, or forgiveness.
I write of our learnings of being ushered into the next life by our previously deceased. The pterodactyl is a nod to my cousin Cami who died last June at the age of 23. They loved this little hot pink plastic pterodactyl they received when they were in a children’s hospital at the age of 12 and carried it to every medical appointment after. Terry the pterodactyl became a symbol of personal strength and helped Cami believe they were a strong, resilient, and assertive person until eventually they became one. Finally, I acknowledge my own vulnerability at Cami’s death – how I sobbed alone with their body. They had given me the gift of telling me what they wanted their death to look like. I had done my best to make that happen. But I will always wonder: Was my best good enough?
To Walk Alone
by Lisa Schlitzkus
I cannot walk with you through the light. I can only walk up to it.
I cannot walk in your pain, but my medicines carry you through it.
I cannot carry your burden, your worries, your fears or your heartbreak.
I can only hold your hand, hug you, and wipe a tear.
I cannot bring you peace, nor understanding. For that comes from above, around and within.
The words we chose, the rituals we hold.
What purpose do they serve? for you, you must walk alone.
The peaceful and the traumatic
The young and the old
Money may buy us objects in this world
But we still must walk alone.
You may wonder what can I do? Why am I here?
I am here because we all will be here one day.
I am here because someone showed me the way.
I am here because another human was kind to me.
I am here because walking this journey alone would be…
I wonder why you are still here.
What is it you are waiting for? Who? or Why?
You must walk from here alone my friend.
I am meant to stay.
You can go. It’s okay.
Lead the way.
You must walk this part alone.
Unless a pterodactyl carries you through to the other side.
But you must go alone.
I have nothing else to hide.
I have told you my deepest lies.
I cry in private. I do shed a tear.
My heart breaks, my sobs loud.
Can you hear me over your own footsteps as you walk alone?
When you walk alone, do not pause.
But when you arrive, send me word.
Was my best good enough? Did I do right by you?
Did I prepare you as best I could?
For you to walk alone.
