What are communication style differences that may exist between a neurotypical person and neurodivergent person?
Someone who identifies as neurodivergent might need clear statements, be hyperverbal, while also needing more time to respond. We see the hyperverbal “info dump” or processing thoughts aloud with ADHD, autism, as well as OCD.
Someone who is more neurotypical might rely more on a rapid back and forth, rely more on social contextual statements, subtext or implicit cues, and expect a partner to be really engaged. For example, someone who identifies as neurotypical might expect more of a conversation format of, “I say this, then you respond, then I say something.”
Another example we see a lot: Neurodivergent partners or friends might ask a question out of curiosity or to try to understand. Whereas neurotypical partners might hear that as doubt, disrespect or criticism.
My tips:
- Use direct language: Say what you mean, not what you imply. That's a big area of conflict. Don't just assume that they're going to understand you.
- Understand timing: For both sides, try to recognize and name how much time you need to process something. If you know you're going to need more time, be like, “I need 10 minutes to think before responding.”
- Don't make assumptions: Try to clarify. “I'm asking this to understand, not to disrespect you.”
What are emotional expression and intimacy differences that may exist between a neurotypical person and neurodivergent person?
Neurodivergent people might express emotion differently than a neurotypical person. They might be more likely to shut down or feel burnout, or they might have flat affect (little outward emotion). And a neurotypical partner might misread this as disinterest or intensity, and this might lead to conflict in relationships.
Also, someone who is neurodivergent might show that they care through things like consistency, problem solving, sharing interests or practical support – in contrast to what we think of as stereotypical romantic gestures. They’re not bad or lesser, just different ways of showing or feeling trust and safety.
What are sensory differences that may exist between a neurotypical person and neurodivergent person?
Sensory differences can have an impact on how we experience and share social events, so it’s important to understand them.
Someone who is neurodivergent might have a difficult time with noise or certain sensory experiences. Things like crowds, unpredictable noise and more – these might limit what the neurotypical person feels that they can do together.
What are executive functioning style differences that may exist between a neurotypical person and neurodivergent person?
Executive functioning encompasses the skills we use to do everyday tasks, like managing our plans, problem solving, setting goals and focusing. When it comes to friendship or spending time together, I think there's often a difference in what one connection means to one another and what quality time means.
Someone who is neurodivergent might have difficulties around making or following through on plans, which can be misinterpreted as lack of caring by someone who is neurotypical.
One of the big challenges is: Someone who is neurodivergent socializes based on available capacity. There’s often a feeling of being drained if they're around people, and they might not have the capacity cognitively, emotionally or physically. In contrast, many neurotypical people are often socializing based on connection frequency.
This can create friction because there are opposing expectations. Planned, structured interactions based on capacity versus last-minute hangouts and spontaneity based on frequency. Neurodivergent individuals might cancel or need recovery time, and this obviously could be misinterpreted as disinterest or not caring or being inconsiderate. This creates a feeling of shame or guilt for someone who is neurodivergent and both individuals feel misunderstood.
Some tips for friends, roommates and romantic partners on executive function style differences:
- Lists: Externalizing and creating a list of tasks, calendars, reminders and checklists. Visual reminders can be very helpful.
- Play to your strengths: If someone is better at cooking and the other is better at cleaning, divide those daily and ongoing tasks accordingly. Maybe for a big vacation, one person handles all the planning, and the other person handles the follow-through and the logistics.
Do phones make these differences in communication between neurotypical and neurodivergent individuals more challenging?
It's great to be connected. However, because of our phones, there's an expectation that you need to respond right away, and you need to be available at all times. For some neurodivergent individuals, that's not doable. It’s overstimulating and can lead to shutdown and avoidance of responding to any messages. It can definitely exacerbate the issue and cause strain in relationships.
What can neurotypical partners do to learn and educate themselves in this space?
Have a conversation with either a partner or a friend about how neurodivergence shows up for them. Because it is an umbrella term, it can show up in so many different ways.
It’s also important to recognize that talking about it doesn’t mean it needs to be fixed. Approach it with curiosity so that reasonable boundaries and expectations can be put into place.
For neurotypical partners, this can be a big change but, try shifting from thinking frequency of connection to reliability of connection with their neurodivergent partners and friends. Maybe they don't show up to every single hangout or every single thing you invite them to, but do they show up to what matters?
This can be hard to ask of the person who is neurotypical, but really try not to personalize the capacity limits because the depletion's not rejection, it's a neurological reality. It can be so easy to make assumptions and shut down. Instead, try and ask questions like:
- “When you cancel or when these plans change, I feel really hurt. Can you help me understand what's happening for you?”
- “Can we talk about ways that we can make agreements that we can have for our relationship?”
Another good technique for neurotypical individuals looking to create connection with their neurodivergent friends and partners is to do a capacity check-in. Just asking, “How is your capacity today?” Simple, gets to the point, is honest and normalizes it.
It’s also worth considering the types of activities. Perhaps once you know a bit more about how their neurodivergence presents you can create connection opportunities that don’t require high capacity or aren’t overstimulating. For example:
- Instead of a concert, quiet hangouts for one-on-one time
- Doing shared tasks, or parallel play. One of you knits while the other organizes something in their home.
- Shorter hangouts
These allow for that connection without completely draining the person who is neurodivergent.
And so what are some steps and ideas that you might have for a neurodivergent person to reach out to their neurotypical friends and partners?
Boundaries can be set and you’re allowed to have your capacity and time when you’re depleted. However, that does not mean the other person can’t be hurt, upset and feel rejected. Both have equal merit.
Something I find really helpful is called capacity forecasting.
Capacity forecasting is: you look ahead to your week, identifying what might be high demand days and scheduling social plans on those lower demand days. If you overbook and are neurodivergent, this might set you up for a crash where you can’t follow through on other commitments.
In practice, this looks like:
- “I really want to see you. I'm free most of this week, however, Wednesdays I work until 8:00 PM, so Wednesday's no good. What days work for you?"
- "I already have something I'm doing on Saturday. Can we do something Sunday?"
This might upset people at first, but it’s respecting your capacity, so you don’t cancel and come off as flaky.
The next is being honest about your commitments. This can be very hard for people who are neurodivergent, but don't say yes to something that you really don't want to do. If you do and cancel, you are setting yourself up to fail, which impacts you and the other person.
Instead, offer a concrete alternative:
- Don’t say: "Hey, can we get together another time?
- Do say: "I'm super depleted tonight. Can we do coffee tomorrow morning?" Or “Can we do something this weekend? Can we go for a hike this weekend?”
Try to be as concrete as possible, making the follow-up plans show care and accountability.
If you’re neurodivergent, something else that could be helpful is: more predictable connection routines. Weekly phone calls, monthly dinners, shared hobby time. That predictability helps reduce the rejection that the person who is neurotypical might feel, and it also reduces the overwhelm that the neurodivergent person might feel.
And finally, while it’s not always doable – the 24 hour rule. Trying to avoid canceling within 24 hours unless it's a true capacity crash or emergency. And with that rule, the neurotypical person then agrees to not guilt trip if the cancellation happens outside of the 24 hours. But if something does happen with the cancellation and somebody's feelings are hurt, make sure that you're repairing it after it by talking about it and talking through it.
Key Points:
- Neurodivergent is a social term that encompasses the lived experiences of a group of people whose brains function differently. It includes autism, OCD, ADHD and other conditions.
- Those differences mean that communication challenges, emotional expression and capacity are often hurdles for neurotypical friends and romantic partners.
- Direct language, shared planning of tasks with visual reminders, and understanding social capacity can make a huge difference in helping neurotypical and neurodivergent individuals connect.
- Talking about the differences, understanding how they make the other person feel and celebrating the diversity can lead to successful relationships.
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